he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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