if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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