I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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