Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
