wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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