My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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