The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
