My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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