I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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