Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize