FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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