Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
