considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
