At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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