There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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