It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
