Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
