i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
me + whiskey = a bad person
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
