i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
