My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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