good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
