We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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