Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
