whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
