So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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