Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
