I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My ass is underappreciated
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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