chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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