I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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