You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
