I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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