I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize