Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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