what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
