You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
