Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
