from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize