I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
