Pappa wants mamma naked
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Floor bacon is actually really good
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize