I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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