dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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