Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
