i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
