Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
