you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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