Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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