I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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