Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
