What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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