I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
