They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
