she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize