Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
