I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
