Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
