the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
