HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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