We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
