I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
