I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You have to summon your inner elephant
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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