This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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